June Fast

I have been neglectful in my posts over the past month. We have not had much in the way of updates, and every time I consider posting personal thoughts or feelings I wonder if it is appropriate or respectful to Sayde or my family to do so. That and I have felt so many emotional ups and downs over the past month that I have been trying to figure out how I am suppose to cope with the various emotions that sometimes smother me. I have realized that none of us know how to respond to events like this in life. When the radiologist in Vernon first told me that baby A was no longer viable I sat there wondering how I was suppose to react - was I suppose to break down? was I suppose to hold it together? was I suppose to need 1/2 an hour to sit and let it soak in? was I suppose to want them to call my family? was I suppose to run and hide? What is someone suppose to do when they find out that the baby they have been bonding to for the past 4 1/2 months is gone? I have wondered when watching television shows or movies where people are faced with tragedy, how I would react in such a situation. I guess in the end I just carried on: I walked out the door; I drove to the doctors office; I waited my turn; I drove home; and then I cried and cried until the tear no longer came. There is not book of instructions; no suggested etiquette for these sorts of things. We fumble through them the best we can. That is the state in which I have found myself over and over for the past two months - fumbling. People have mention how strong we seem - I have appreciated the thoughts and comments. Do I feel strong? Perhaps all of your thoughts, words, prayers, and fasting have made me stronger.

In response to my self-questioning as to whether I should be writing our personal thoughts and feelings, I have come to the conclusion that this has happened for a reason. Many have commented on how our story has touched them. If relaying Sayde's story to others is able to offer hope and inspiration to others, then maybe all of our struggling and sorrows are worth it. This little child is an inspiration to us, and if her story, her miracles, her accomplishments are and inspiration to others as well, then I will continue to write. I owe her that. Sometimes I feel like this little girl could not wait to get here to make a difference in this world.

As far as an update, I first wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. We have had friends from all over the world offering thoughts and prayers on Sayde's behalf and I am so grateful for every single one. At the beginning of May, several friends and family joined us in a special fast for Sayde. Fasting is a voluntary abstinence of food and water for a period of time, which we feel, when coupled with prayer can bring greater peace, clarity and understanding. It is a small show of humility and sacrifice. The first Sunday of the month is typically a time that we set aside to fast for whatever or whomever we feel inclined. In my experience there is great strength gleaned from the combined prayers and fasting of many people for a solitary purpose. As I am pregnant, it would be unwise for me to go without food for 2 meals. For this reason I felt dependent on others for this. Brendon and I sat down later that evening and tried to list the families that had actually indicated to us that they would like to take part in this. We calculated between 150 and 300 people. Even my 5 year old suggested that she and her brothers skip one of their snacks to help Sayde. We were deeply touched that so many people would be so willing to make this sacrifice for us. I have been meaning to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. Every bit of spiritual strength and positive energy is appreciated.

I have thought that if there is meant to be a miracle - surely the love and prayers that have been sent out on Sayde's behalf will bring with them miracles. I know in many ways and forms they already have.

I will continue to pray everyday for Sayde. I have promised her that I will no let her down. Our families plan to continue to fast the first Sunday of the month as well, until she is born. I have felt awkward asking others to join in, but then I think of the many Sunday's of fasting that I would have loved to have the opportunity to feel my efforts were of service to someone else.