This whole experience with Sayde has given me a new appreciation for each of my children. First of all, I feel like I can understand and appreciate their uniqueness better than ever before. I guess when I decided to have kids, I thought they would be just like me. When Bryson showed no interest in being the best on the team, or found no satisfaction in finishing as many workbooks as possible, or could care less if he made his sister cry I was shocked. They were all suppose to be dedicated overachievers who wanted nothing more than to please their parents. How were my parents so lucky!!! And why did all the clones of me go to my brother??? Each child is different. When we choose to have children, we really never know what we are going to get. What we will get, undoubtedly, is a education in love, patience, understanding, and personal growth. My children have taught me so much. They are each amazing and, thankfully, not clones of me. My favorite time is when I go into their rooms when they are sleeping and kiss them goodnight and stare at their beautiful faces.
It amazes me how my children have seemed to adjust seamlessly to our move, our unsettled living arrangements, and all of these complicated issues, which I discuss on a daily basis with all of them. Not only are they managing or adjusting, but in many circumstances they seem to be thriving. Bryson hasn't batted an eye at the transition into his new school. His social behaviour and reading skills have actually begun to improve. Breya, as always, continues to make friends where ever she goes (except with Bryson). She told me the other day that she always makes a friend everywhere she goes. "I may not know their name and we may not actually say that we are friends, but I just know they are my friend and we play together." Keaton hasn't had any setbacks in his amazing potty training, which I did in the throws of our move. I feel very grateful and blessed for these little miracles.
All of my children have a special love for Sayde. Keaton repeats his catch phrase for Sayde again an again - "Hold me, hug me, don't let me go." Bryson loves to hug Sayde aka my belly. Keaton often tried to look into my distorted belly button to see Sayde and asks for her to come out. Breya is just happy that there will now be 3 girls and 3 boys in the family (including Brendon and I) and that she won't have to share a room with Keaton anymore.
Breya makes sure that Sayde is blessed in every prayer or blessing on the food. Keaton has begun to pray that everyone's brains will grow. Bryson has begun to pray for other small miracles that he feels are needed - like that dad will find the library DVD we lost.
Children can teach us so much. I am so grateful for each of mine. They are not perfect, but they are mine.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
June 30 Ultrasound
We had an appointment with my obstetrician, Dr. Benoit, here in Kelowna a few weeks ago. I have learned, at this point to take everything the doctors say with a grain of salt, as we have been told so many conflicting things throughout this pregnancy. Although the perinatologists at Women's Hospital did not voice any concerns about having me deliver in Kelowna, and did not suggest any reason that this baby would come prematurely, Dr. Benoit seemed to think otherwise. He told us that he has never seen a TTTS complication this early in pregnancy and seemed to indicate that he thought it naive to think that the rest of this pregnancy would go without complication. He also voiced his concerns about delivering this baby in Kelowna. Since he is thought to be the best OB in Kelowna, I guess we will be coming to Vancouver to deliver Sayde. I, myself, remain confident that Sayde will be able to go until close to full term. With my luck, she will probably be two weeks late. Dr. Benoit's main concern is that the baby will reach a point where she will no longer be growing sufficiently and will need to be taken early. A preterm baby who already has known complications was more than he felt comfortable with, given the resources here.
I am suppose to be followed for ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor Sayde's growth and development. This morning I went for my first ultrasound in a month (every 2 weeks from here on in). This time I only had to drive a few blocks. A wonderful friend joined me as Brendon had to work. I now dread ultrasounds and don't wish to be alone to experience any more hurt and pain.
As I suspected the tech had no background on my pregnancy prior to the scan. I asked her right away what she knew, because I wanted to avoid an awkward and uncomfortable situation. From what she knew, it was still a viable twin pregnancy. I quickly corrected her and gave her the coles notes of my complicated situation. It sure made a difference in the mood in the room. For the first time she talked openly throughout the scan about what she saw and asked me questions as well. Sayde was relatively quite throughout the scan, but her heart rate was at it's normal 155bpm. The tech was concerned about her lack of movement, until she finally started her regular boxing match with my bladder. She has now moved into a transverse position with her bum on the left and her head on the right - sprawling across my upper abdomen. This leaves her arms and legs in the perfect position to pound on my bladder and pelvis. It took awhile to get her into a good position to get all of the necessary measurements, but she finally cooperated. We were only able to get a frontal view of her face this time, which I always find a little creepy.
I asked to have the radiologist come in and give me any insights he had immediately after the scan. As I anticipated, he said that were it not for my report and the fact that there was one non-viable fetus, he would have viewed this as a normal single pregnancy. This was what the radiologist at Women's hospital had told us may happen. He said that the isolated head circumference measurement did appear to be on the small side compared to the rest of the baby's growth, however, without Sayde's history, he would not have otherwise flagged this as a concern. He did indicate that the head circumference measurement were under the 10th percentile. This was my biggest concern as, given the previous measurements, it may indicated a continued lag in the growth and development of the brain. For now we can feel happy that the fluid levels, body growth and other organ development appear normal. As Dr. Pugash from Women's Hospital indicated, most other radiologist would not be able to picked up on the very subtle changes that she identified. It makes me wonder how things may have been different if we hadn't been sent to Women's. After all, the radiologist in Vernon tried to comfort me by telling me that I still seemed to have on normally developing baby. Hopefully, the signs remain subtle and the subsequent effects on Sayde remain minimal. My continued hope and prayer is that this little girl's brain keeps on growing.
I am suppose to be followed for ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor Sayde's growth and development. This morning I went for my first ultrasound in a month (every 2 weeks from here on in). This time I only had to drive a few blocks. A wonderful friend joined me as Brendon had to work. I now dread ultrasounds and don't wish to be alone to experience any more hurt and pain.
As I suspected the tech had no background on my pregnancy prior to the scan. I asked her right away what she knew, because I wanted to avoid an awkward and uncomfortable situation. From what she knew, it was still a viable twin pregnancy. I quickly corrected her and gave her the coles notes of my complicated situation. It sure made a difference in the mood in the room. For the first time she talked openly throughout the scan about what she saw and asked me questions as well. Sayde was relatively quite throughout the scan, but her heart rate was at it's normal 155bpm. The tech was concerned about her lack of movement, until she finally started her regular boxing match with my bladder. She has now moved into a transverse position with her bum on the left and her head on the right - sprawling across my upper abdomen. This leaves her arms and legs in the perfect position to pound on my bladder and pelvis. It took awhile to get her into a good position to get all of the necessary measurements, but she finally cooperated. We were only able to get a frontal view of her face this time, which I always find a little creepy.
I asked to have the radiologist come in and give me any insights he had immediately after the scan. As I anticipated, he said that were it not for my report and the fact that there was one non-viable fetus, he would have viewed this as a normal single pregnancy. This was what the radiologist at Women's hospital had told us may happen. He said that the isolated head circumference measurement did appear to be on the small side compared to the rest of the baby's growth, however, without Sayde's history, he would not have otherwise flagged this as a concern. He did indicate that the head circumference measurement were under the 10th percentile. This was my biggest concern as, given the previous measurements, it may indicated a continued lag in the growth and development of the brain. For now we can feel happy that the fluid levels, body growth and other organ development appear normal. As Dr. Pugash from Women's Hospital indicated, most other radiologist would not be able to picked up on the very subtle changes that she identified. It makes me wonder how things may have been different if we hadn't been sent to Women's. After all, the radiologist in Vernon tried to comfort me by telling me that I still seemed to have on normally developing baby. Hopefully, the signs remain subtle and the subsequent effects on Sayde remain minimal. My continued hope and prayer is that this little girl's brain keeps on growing.
June Fast
I have been neglectful in my posts over the past month. We have not had much in the way of updates, and every time I consider posting personal thoughts or feelings I wonder if it is appropriate or respectful to Sayde or my family to do so. That and I have felt so many emotional ups and downs over the past month that I have been trying to figure out how I am suppose to cope with the various emotions that sometimes smother me. I have realized that none of us know how to respond to events like this in life. When the radiologist in Vernon first told me that baby A was no longer viable I sat there wondering how I was suppose to react - was I suppose to break down? was I suppose to hold it together? was I suppose to need 1/2 an hour to sit and let it soak in? was I suppose to want them to call my family? was I suppose to run and hide? What is someone suppose to do when they find out that the baby they have been bonding to for the past 4 1/2 months is gone? I have wondered when watching television shows or movies where people are faced with tragedy, how I would react in such a situation. I guess in the end I just carried on: I walked out the door; I drove to the doctors office; I waited my turn; I drove home; and then I cried and cried until the tear no longer came. There is not book of instructions; no suggested etiquette for these sorts of things. We fumble through them the best we can. That is the state in which I have found myself over and over for the past two months - fumbling. People have mention how strong we seem - I have appreciated the thoughts and comments. Do I feel strong? Perhaps all of your thoughts, words, prayers, and fasting have made me stronger.
In response to my self-questioning as to whether I should be writing our personal thoughts and feelings, I have come to the conclusion that this has happened for a reason. Many have commented on how our story has touched them. If relaying Sayde's story to others is able to offer hope and inspiration to others, then maybe all of our struggling and sorrows are worth it. This little child is an inspiration to us, and if her story, her miracles, her accomplishments are and inspiration to others as well, then I will continue to write. I owe her that. Sometimes I feel like this little girl could not wait to get here to make a difference in this world.
As far as an update, I first wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. We have had friends from all over the world offering thoughts and prayers on Sayde's behalf and I am so grateful for every single one. At the beginning of May, several friends and family joined us in a special fast for Sayde. Fasting is a voluntary abstinence of food and water for a period of time, which we feel, when coupled with prayer can bring greater peace, clarity and understanding. It is a small show of humility and sacrifice. The first Sunday of the month is typically a time that we set aside to fast for whatever or whomever we feel inclined. In my experience there is great strength gleaned from the combined prayers and fasting of many people for a solitary purpose. As I am pregnant, it would be unwise for me to go without food for 2 meals. For this reason I felt dependent on others for this. Brendon and I sat down later that evening and tried to list the families that had actually indicated to us that they would like to take part in this. We calculated between 150 and 300 people. Even my 5 year old suggested that she and her brothers skip one of their snacks to help Sayde. We were deeply touched that so many people would be so willing to make this sacrifice for us. I have been meaning to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. Every bit of spiritual strength and positive energy is appreciated.
I have thought that if there is meant to be a miracle - surely the love and prayers that have been sent out on Sayde's behalf will bring with them miracles. I know in many ways and forms they already have.
I will continue to pray everyday for Sayde. I have promised her that I will no let her down. Our families plan to continue to fast the first Sunday of the month as well, until she is born. I have felt awkward asking others to join in, but then I think of the many Sunday's of fasting that I would have loved to have the opportunity to feel my efforts were of service to someone else.
In response to my self-questioning as to whether I should be writing our personal thoughts and feelings, I have come to the conclusion that this has happened for a reason. Many have commented on how our story has touched them. If relaying Sayde's story to others is able to offer hope and inspiration to others, then maybe all of our struggling and sorrows are worth it. This little child is an inspiration to us, and if her story, her miracles, her accomplishments are and inspiration to others as well, then I will continue to write. I owe her that. Sometimes I feel like this little girl could not wait to get here to make a difference in this world.
As far as an update, I first wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. We have had friends from all over the world offering thoughts and prayers on Sayde's behalf and I am so grateful for every single one. At the beginning of May, several friends and family joined us in a special fast for Sayde. Fasting is a voluntary abstinence of food and water for a period of time, which we feel, when coupled with prayer can bring greater peace, clarity and understanding. It is a small show of humility and sacrifice. The first Sunday of the month is typically a time that we set aside to fast for whatever or whomever we feel inclined. In my experience there is great strength gleaned from the combined prayers and fasting of many people for a solitary purpose. As I am pregnant, it would be unwise for me to go without food for 2 meals. For this reason I felt dependent on others for this. Brendon and I sat down later that evening and tried to list the families that had actually indicated to us that they would like to take part in this. We calculated between 150 and 300 people. Even my 5 year old suggested that she and her brothers skip one of their snacks to help Sayde. We were deeply touched that so many people would be so willing to make this sacrifice for us. I have been meaning to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and fasting. Every bit of spiritual strength and positive energy is appreciated.
I have thought that if there is meant to be a miracle - surely the love and prayers that have been sent out on Sayde's behalf will bring with them miracles. I know in many ways and forms they already have.
I will continue to pray everyday for Sayde. I have promised her that I will no let her down. Our families plan to continue to fast the first Sunday of the month as well, until she is born. I have felt awkward asking others to join in, but then I think of the many Sunday's of fasting that I would have loved to have the opportunity to feel my efforts were of service to someone else.
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