Routine 20 week Ultrasound

On May 4th I spent a quiet morning to myself at the pool and eating lunch while Brendon took care of the kids. Just before noon I hopped in the car and drove up to Vernon for my routine 20 week ultrasound. My mind was preoccupied with finding a way to get through the ultrasound without wetting my pants. I am never going to drink the recommended amount of water again. It was such a beautiful day and I felt so lucky to be living in such a beautiful place.

I felt like a seasoned veteran as I sat in the waiting room anticipating a quick ultrasound, where I would find out the gender of my babes, and run for the nearest restroom. The tech seemed friendly, congratulated me on the twins and made small talk as she prepared for the scan. Throughout the scan she seemed to be focused on only one side of my belly. When I questioned whether both of the babies were now on the same side she glossed over the question. I explained that when my doctor had a difficult time finding both heartbeats the week before with the doppler he did a quick in-office scan and felt that he had seen both babies on opposite sides of my belly. She question how and when this occurred and kept on mumbling something about needing to get the 8 week ultrasound report from Vancouver. I assured her that I was sure of the dates. She avoided showing or explaining any of the details of the scan that parents generally love to hear, like here is baby A's profile and here is Baby B's. When she started to clean up I asked if she was able to tell the gender of the babies. She explained that she didn't get a clear image and would check again after I went and emptied my bladder.

I returned to the room and sat for several minutes before the tech came back with the radiologist. He quickly and abruptly stated that he had some bad news. My heart sank. Before my mind could run wild with possible scenarios, he explained that I was pregnant with twins, but unfortunately one of the babies had not survived. He was not sure when this may have happened, possibly 1-2 weeks ago, possibly longer. He did say that the one baby - Baby A - looked much smaller than the other. He seemed confused at the findings and stated that this was a very rare situation for a didi twin pregnancy at this stage in the pregnancy. He tried to make me feel better by saying that at least I had one baby that looked to be developing normally. He said they would contact my OB in Kelowna, the tech pushed some pictures towards me and told me the surviving baby was a girl, and they both left me to deal with my pain in silence. I wasn't even able to cry at first. I took only a few minutes, gathered myself up, grabbed my pictures and somehow managed the 1 hour drive back to Kelowna alone.

I spent the next hour in an examination room waiting to meet with my OB.
When he was finally able to meet with me he looked completely stunned. He was sure that this must have happened within the last 1-2 weeks. When I questioned what had happened when he did the quick scan 1 week ago, he admitted that it was possible that he saw the same baby twice!?! His only suggestion was that we book another detailed ultrasound at Women's Hospital in Vancouver to help answer any questions regarding the demise.

The week that followed was perhaps the most heart wrenching week of my life. I have never felt such complete loss and devastation. Of course my mind went wild reliving the last 2 weeks to try to identify what I had done to cause this to happen to my baby. Was it the two days we had spent dealing with mice when we first moved into our rental; was it when Keaton and I tipped into the railing of the pedestrian overpass while on our bike; was it the stress of my trip back to Vancouver the week earlier; was it the spin class I had attended last week; was it my slackness in taking my prenatal vitamins because every time I did they made me throw up?? It had to somehow be something that I did .... or didn't do. How could this happen while I was happily living my life. What kind of mother was I. My fairytale was shattered and I felt lost and confused.

I spent several days trying to deal with this confusing loss while accepting that I would continue to carry this baby for another 20 weeks. Would it be a miscarriage or a stillbirth? Would I have a baby to hold, or would it be gone? Would I have to decide what to do with the body? Would we name the baby? Would it harm the other baby?

Initially, I had a very difficult time even thinking about the surviving baby. She moves a lot and occasional would give me a good kick as if to say, "Mommy, I'm still here .... don't forget about me." However, my mind during these first few days was focused on my grief and loss.

Two days later I stopped my car next to the Mission Creek bridge and got out. I walked over to the railed pedestrian side walk. I remember thinking I should probably get off my bike and walk it across and then deciding the rails were close enough that if I went slow I could grab onto one of the rails if I needed to. Just as I approached the bridge my handlebar unexpectedly hit the left side of the rail and the bike tipped over to the right side. I quickly put my foot down to stop the bike and my torso bumped against the rail. Keaton, who was on the baby seat behind seemed to take the worst of it, but also seemed fine. I relived this event and wondered if this was what caused my baby to die. I didn't have any scratches or bruises, I didn't even really fall, but something had to be the cause. As I looked into the water I had a feeling that this was not my fault. This was something bigger than me. This was always the plan for this baby from before it was conceived. Although, my mind has gone back to this self blame occasionally, when I remember this experience I do feel some peace.

One day, within the first week, while I was lying in bed, I felt as if Baby A said to me, "Mommy I'm all right. Tell Sayde I love her and that I'm so sorry."

That is when I decided on the name Sayde, and I felt that she must be a pretty special girl to have her own guardian angel escort her to this earth.

My parents came up that weekend to help out and everyone tried their best to make Mother's Day less difficult for me.

I planned to return to Vancouver the next week with my Mom for my appointment at Women's - hoping to find some answers.